The stillness was different. The quite that surrounded me was unfamiliar.
10feet up and I could hear loose rock hitting the ground to the left of me.
September 18th, 6:30am I had gathered my gear together for an outdoor climb. I had started my trek up, that has proven to be a threat all on it’s own. Loose rock overlays the trail, and the knowledge of cobra’s makes the journey upward just as dangerous as the climb.
I’ve explored several areas throughout Connecticut in search of undiscovered rock and boulders. Most boulders are found venturing off the trail.
I have found each place that’s explored holds it’s own unique stillness, peace, and solitude.
The mornings trek and climb had held an unknown calm. Maybe I should have taken that as a warning but I had continued upward. I sat there for a moment and studied the route. I began with a traverse to warm up.
The climb that morning was 75 feet. I calculated every move over and over in my mind. My hands and feet parroting every move before I ever touched the rock. No more than 15 feet up and I could hear rock falling on both sides of me, mainly to the left. In a rush I reached over to the right to escape the falling rock and avoid getting hit. I grabbed onto an unfamiliar hold with my right hand. I began to move my left hand, and the rock snaps off. I could feel my back hit the ground. I wanted to lie there but I knew my chances of being hit by loose rock was of greater risk than the pain I had felt. Between the pain and the overload of fear releasing itself through my body, all I was able to do was crawl 10 to 15 feet to a safer area. I sat there leaned up against a tree and noticed blood coming from my left and right hand, and my right hip. Sharp and precise cuts to both hands, along with a sharp cut to my hip, and minor cuts to my back.
It’s been a year since this battle to recreate my life began and there’s one question I get asked frequently. “Do you have fear, aren’t you afraid of falling?!” The truth is I battle fear all the time, and have moments of panic. Throughout this I’ve had to learn to change my relationship with fear. Fear can come in like an enemy but appropriated rightly fear will keep you safe, fear has it’s own way of protecting you and fear will lead you safely to higher sends on the rock. My relationship to fear is always evolving. I’d rather die doing something I love than fade away with regrets, wishing I had and wondering why I never did. I’m not reckless in my attempts and I don’t go beyond my capabilities. I’m ever growing to higher sends and I understand the risks.
There’s a voice to silence, unspoken words that speak in stillness. The voice to silence speaks to you inwardly, your soul hears it, sense it and will gentle let you know there’s something in this moment and will gently lead you away from unseen dangers.